Ten Ways to Invalidate
Emotional invalidation is a form of gaslighting. Here are some examples of how this might look in the workplace, and how to do better.
When a worker gets emotional at work, colleagues and bosses may make things worse by invalidating their feelings and perceptions. Sometimes this is intentional gaslighting, but other times this happens due to discomfort with emotion, or deficits in emotional intelligence. Either way, it creates an emotionally unsafe environment.
Here are some ways workers and bosses gaslight their employees through emotional invalidation:
1. Passing Tissues When a Worker Cries
Tough stuff happens at work, so people might cry at times! An aggressive customer, an inappropriate comment by a colleague, being passed over for a promotion — these are just some examples of what might make someone cry at work. Passing tissues can be received as a kind gesture, but sometimes it seems to say, “Okay now, stop crying.”
It’s nice to have Kleenex around so that people can reach them if they want, but often it’s much more helpful to sit silently and let someone cry. Crying is a great way to release emotions. Not rushing tears makes people feel reassured that their feelings are a normal reaction to whatever has happened to them. The solution-focused conversation can happen later.
2. “Control yourself. This is a work environment.”
This is the adult version of, “Stop crying now. Be a big boy.” It pushes people to suppress their emotions. Certainly some forms of emotional displays are inappropriate at work. But why should we feel we have to completely hide feelings of anger, fear and hurt? Why can’t colleagues hold space for our feelings, especially when we feel disrespected?
Being received with care and kindness does a lot more to help someone get control than telling them to stop having feelings.
3. “Calm down.”
No one in the history of the phrase “calm down” has ever calmed down. I have tried it and observed it so many times as a social worker, and it always fails. Instead, it often puts fuel on the fire. Why? It makes people think that they are being told that their distress and anger is unjustified. This phrase is a sure trigger if it is yelled, used with frustration or with an eye roll.